The Answer is Always Love

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If you had told me when I was little that I would have been pregnant during my college graduation, I would have told you that you were crazy. In fact, I would have laughed as I told you that my life plan did not include anything other than graduation, marriage, the house, the dog and, then and only then, would I have two kids: One boy and one girl, of course. I was going to live the dream, and do you know what? I did. 

 

And while this dream looks different than the one I had first imagined, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because if motherhood has taught me anything, it’s that you have to learn to enjoy the ride you’re on, no matter where it’s going. 

 

When I say that this ride has taken us on a few twists and turns, I mean it in every sense. When the first stop was the ultrasound technician asking me “do you know you’re having twins?” I should have known we had hit the ground running. So it should have also come as no surprise when, at 36 weeks I went in for a regular checkup and came out 4 hours later with two perfect, tiny girls. After 9 days in the NICU, we came home and the real adventure began. 

 

Because I’m going to confess something: I was terrified of breaking these 3 and 4 pound babies.

 

How was I supposed to know when they were crying because they were hungry or tired, sad or sick?

 

How could I be trusted to keep these tiny little people safe?

 

Who left me in charge of these two little lives? 

 

Fifteen years later and I still think the same thoughts:

 

How am I supposed to know if they’re moody because they’re hungry or tired, sad or sick when they don’t tell me?

 

How can I be trusted to keep these not-so-tiny little people safe?

 

Who left me in charge of these two teenage lives?

 

And the daily mom-life fears? They’ve changed from now knowing if I’m feeding them enough to grow or whether I’m giving them too much screen time. Now, they’re more centered around broken hearts, safe driving and hoping against hope they make good decisions. 

 

But what hasn’t changed, what has never changed from the first second I laid eyes on these two blue-eyed girls? The love. It's overwhelming at times, this feeling of my heart walking outside of my body in not one, but two separate people. There are days where I wonder how I got so lucky, and others where I’m lucky to just make it through to bedtime. 

 

When you think about it, though, isn’t that really what motherhood is all about? The balance. The ups and downs, the highs and lows. The good and bad, the fun and the discipline. I will be the first person to tell you that I don’t always get it right. Sometimes the scales tip one way or the other, and we have to regroup, my girls and I.

 

But through every single up and down, the constant force that drives everything that we do, is love. They know when they lay down at night that I am their safest place. That no matter what happens, the one thing they never have to ask is “Mom, do you love me?” Because the answer is now, has been for the last 15 years and will forever be: With all of my heart, sweet girls.